Forgiveness

To forgive is not to forget, nor is it a sign of resignation or weakness. On the contrary! It asks us to accept that we live in a world where the reversals of fortune will always be present, and to know that the hardest part of existence is to value our compassion and not to risk our humanity in its denial. Forgiveness allows us to step away from the injury, however we conceive it and to remember how often we also have been at fault.

To forgive others starts with forgiving ourselves. And to be sure, each of us won't have to look far to establish a list of things that we would prefer to ignore. Things that carry shame and remorse for which we have yet to give a true account. And with the passage of time none of that regret diminishes, creating an inner sadness which is rarely visited. However, with the aid of greater insight, we can often moor ourselves to a more rounded understanding of our behaviour and come to realise that in the bigger picture there is nothing that can't be accepted or forgiven.

To forgive oneself is to readmit a part that has lain ignored and possibly a source of shame and regret. If it is a hard and demanding task, so much the better. In that rejoining lies the potential for wholeness and a renewed sense of identity. Like the missing piece of a jigsaw puzzle, its absence from the picture is all too evident both by its contours and its meaning. To bring it back into the fold is to accept that there is nothing that can't be redeemed and made fast to the notion of who we are. But when we feel ourselves unforgiven and unloved, we often project that judgement onto others. Then we compound a personal dilemma with the act of unwittingly compelling others to share in the unattended nature of our own remorse.

Although in many situations our response may be modest, heading no doubt in the right direction, there are times when retribution is uppermost. It is often meted out to a disproportionate degree as the red mist of anger takes over and control is lost. Stepping back is hardly an option when our needs are strong and the reins that hold them in check prove undeniably weak. How should we act in such situations, caring little for the consequences of our actions, and seeking only to inflict hurt where it has been received? One way might be to become more self-aware, unwilling to partner our ability to wound.

To forgive others starts with forgiving ourselves

Can we become more forgiving, more tolerant, more accepting of the pain to which we are shackled? The key question here are the illusions about our identity that invariably create a comfort zone, often fashioned with care... sometimes less so... to which we cling with the tenacity of a limpet. They in turn provide expectations. Then pride and ignorance complete the circle, and woe betide anyone who breaks the cosy pact that we have made with them. The illusions are powerful, compelling us to make light of our common sense. So, the first step towards forgiveness is to acquire some measure of understanding... alas always partial, never comprehensive... of how the hurt has arisen. The second is to ponder if we have unwittingly shared in its complicity. The final step is to realise that in forgiveness a burden is always lifted. We need to trust this process. With care and vigilance, the wound will heal. Left to itself it will fester.

Forgiveness proceeds from a perspective where feelings are deemed utterly central to an understanding of existence. If on the other hand feelings are considered to play only a marginal role and one where power is valued more highly, forgiveness is likely to be squeezed out of the picture. In its place, people, events and situations are seen in terms of expediency, determined by the prevailing tides of ideology and rarely accorded importance. In a world wracked by fear and uncertainty, where power and the quick fix are handled with all the finesse of a drunk, it is hardly surprising that most should be persuaded that forgiveness is hardly a recipe for reflection. The attraction of the toy bulldozer in the sandpit continues to hold sway as if accounts could be settled by the prospect of instant destruction with no accountability.

To forgive is to embrace a joined-up world, where no one is excluded, and all are made to feel welcome. The boundaries, the walls, the limits that divide are removed. As the Berlin wall crumbled so did families and friends regain their freedom to then celebrate relationship and a fresh perspective on what the future might hold. Forgiveness is like that: it opens doors and kindles new possibilities. In return it asks only that we trust it will lead to a better existence, free from recrimination and the desire for revenge.

It is said that elephants never forget, and when we observe those gentle pachyderms in the sad confines of circus life we may wonder at the slew of injustices to which they have been exposed.

In forgiveness a burden is always lifted

Are we not in many respects somewhat similar, where memory so often led us to those acts against which we felt powerless to resist? It is in that dark region where they lie unforgiven; where we carry them like sharp rocks in a sack ignoring that they can be left by the roadside if only we had the wit to forgive.

But we are not learned in the manners of forgiveness, ignore how its absence weighs upon us, and how its practice might free us to walk with greater confidence. It is not taught in schools, nor is it visible in the structure of justice by which society regulates our lives. To be sure there are instances where it shines through, but in the martial climate of so many countries it is a coin of little interest.

Forgiveness lies at the very heart of who we are and to what extent we can express our humanity. It doesn't walk away from the difficult decisions. On the contrary, it knows only too well that it rides on feelings that are hard for others to understand. But in our recognition that forgiveness is at work, we get a glimpse of the how it proceeds in lockstep with candour and innocence, brushing reluctance aside. It counts not the cost, nor the gain. It knows only that it is charged by the heart and cannot do otherwise. To wonder if forgiveness could be partial or conditional, is to ask if a rainbow could conform to our wishes. It is beyond that calculus. In observing it we should remain in awe of its healing potential.

In the final verdict of the forty-two assessors who weighed the soul of the deceased in ancient Egyptian religion, were any found who could not be forgiven? I have no idea. Any more than I know if it has limits, though I suspect that it has none. But what I do know to be true, beyond reasonable doubt, is that each of us is capable of being more forgiving. If we could only recognise the power of forgiveness, then we could offer that freedom both to ourselves and to others... with no conditions, no strings attached.

Forgiveness is not asked of us without good reason

Forgiveness proceeds from a heart at peace with itself, knowing that it can do no other save to venture into waters as yet unchartered. Not knowing of the response that will greet it and trusting in the healing nature of its act, it seeks only what it cannot fully understand until the circle is complete. It is in offering to exchange the bruising effects of grievance for the renewal of relationship. It finds redemption in a reality that has lain unvisited and unexplored. For some, the effort demands too much, leaving a bitterness that won't depart and whose familiar nature outweighs all other considerations. For others, it provides a welcome release, allowing them to move on, free and unhindered by the past.

Forgiveness requires that we dismantle the armour so misunderstood as necessary to our identity. In shedding it, we learn to refashion our approach to others. We are disclosed in our vulnerability. Others may see us in a different light and, were they so minded, could take advantage. But, once embarked we have no choice. Forgiveness is neither partial nor does it conform to our comfort. Sometimes commanding, sometimes less so, it is raw and leads us into the heart of what we have to offer the world. On occasion it will be rejected and despised, judged for insufficiency, much as apologies can be dismissed as empty and expedient.

Forgiveness is not asked of us without good reason, but all too often in the heat of the moment we ignore its importance, preferring to avoid what the other would have us know. We are inclined to resist, relying on strength and advantage as if no other course were possible. Yet with hindsight, forgiveness might have resulted in a different path and the triumph of different values. What we eschew without a second' s thought, could have graced our lives with depth and humanity. When others seek our forgiveness, perhaps it is not in our gift to ponder the moment, to accede or to refuse. Instead, it might be wiser to step back and ask who is being healed. For make no mistake, forgiveness is powerful, an agent of unexpected change to be respected for what it brings into our lives.

Forgiveness is often the precursor of a rich harvest. It enables waters that are troubled to start flowing once more, freeing and cleansing in its course. It can unblock and flush away the debris of feelings long regarded as impossible to alter. It never stands still. It is not to be impeded or arrested. We have no means of knowing where it will lead or the strength of its current. One surprising aspect of forgiveness is how swiftly it can create fellowship where previously none existed. It quickly lifts the barriers that separate. Where once was mistrust, it has the potential to create bonds like no other. It seizes the heart for only a flicker and yet it can result in the most enduring of friendships, often leaving us bewildered in how it resolves those difficult moments with grace and expedition. Finally, it should be said that of all our intentions, forgiveness is the crowning glory. In a world where conflict is endemic, it holds the promise of a very different perspective.

© 2025 Nick Halpin